This morning I was reading some blogs (mostly sobriety blogs, of course) and I read the quote, “Without this sobriety I erode myself from the inside out.”
That really hit home for me. I have felt that way for some time now, not just with how much alcohol I drink but with the way I abuse my body with greasy, deep-fried, artificial, or overly sugary foods. I have constant pains in my stomach, my digestion is off, my skin is dull, my hair is greasy, and I know this has everything to do with what I’m putting in my body. I am becoming what I eat (and drink).
I have been reading some healthy living blogs recently, and one has particularly piqued my interest, not because I am a huge fan or the writing or can relate to the blogger (who is a good 10 years younger than me) but because of the pictures of food she’s posting: bright green vegetables, colourful fruits, whole grains, grass-fed organic meats. Everything looks so healthy and appetizing and healing, and I need more of this in my life. Sadly, although my financial situation isn’t the greatest (that’s a post for another day), I do have the time and money to purchase and prepare healthy foods. Access is not an issue for me, as it is for so many others. It is simply that I am too lazy. This makes me ashamed.
I referred to my weight gain in a previous post, and I have been wracking my brain trying to think of what I want to do about it. And I think rather than rushing to count calories or join Weight Watchers or restrict portion sizes, I simply want to focus on consuming the healthiest foods possible and make fruits and vegetables the highlight of my diet. I also want to exercise daily. I need to get out of the habit of treating my body like a garbage can.
And now I have to address the drinking.
In my last post I said that the day after my birthday I wanted to quit drinking for 30 days. Obviously this did not happen. If it had, I wouldn’t have avoided blogging. They day after my birthday, my husband came home super late after having drinks with colleagues and brought home ingredients for spaghetti and meatballs. Immediately I wanted to drink too. One because he had been drinking and I felt like that wasn’t fair, and two because I love the taste of red wine with pasta. I was also overly hungry (it was 9:00 by the time he got home, and we didn’t eat dinner until 10:00). When I am hungry I don’t make smart choices. We ate the pasta and I had about half the bottle of red.
Of course the next day (Wednesday) I finished the bottle, then had another glass while out with friends and a gin and tonic as a nightcap. And last night (Thursday) I killed an entire bottle of red.
So. Clearly this is not good. There is a huge discrepancy between how I want to be living (eating well, being more active, being sober 90% of the time, enjoying pursuits and interests, being more engaged with my job) any how I am living (eating garbage, being a couch potato, drinking 90% of the time, under performing at work, and feeling lost and restless). I don’t feel good about my choices, but to be honest I am not sure how to proceed.
On my birthday I spoke candidly to my husband about how I needed to drastically cut down on my drinking. He agreed, but didn’t seem to think going 30 days without was the right way to approach things. He seemed to think that I needed to learn the difference between drinking when I was supposed to (out for dinner with friends, at a wedding) and drinking when I really shouldn’t be (home alone on a Tuesday night). According to him the “30 days” approach is too “all or nothing” for me and I need to start smaller. I guess I agree with him, because his suggestion sounded much less daunting to me. My goal is to not drink four nights out of seven. And then I will go from there. Trust me, even this seems challenging.
I wonder what sober bloggers would think right now if they were to read this. Would they be shaking their heads, remembering a time when they thought this was the right approach to take? Is my only option to quit entirely and am I simply delaying the inevitable? Or can I truly get things under control?
Only time will tell.