Yesterday I addressed my burgeoning drinking problem in writing. I put it out on the table. I acknowledged something needs to change.
I was reading some blogs yesterday, and in the comments section on one particular post someone mentioned how Sarah Silverman once said, “If you think everyone is judging you, you are an alcoholic.” When I read that, I felt frozen with fear.
This is exactly how I feel.
I have become incredibly sensitive to other people’s perceptions of my drinking, even bringing it up to other people: “Jessica made a joke that I’d never be able to give up wine during pregnancy and I’m quite offended!” and “Stacey posted a picture of us having drinks on Instagram, with the caption ‘Tipsy Tuesday’; why does everyone have to associate drinking with me?” A few weeks ago I was playing Settlers of Catan with my husband and two friends, and when I got another glass of wine I made a comment out loud about how my husband was silently judging me for it. Everyone immediately called me out on that statement, and told me I was “projecting.” I was pretty embarrassed after that.
So not only am I scared that people are judging my drinking, but now I’m also scared that they know I’m scared (and that they think it’s weird that I’m feeling judged, therefore something must be “up” with me and drinking).
After reading sobriety blogs for a few hours yesterday, I’ve started to identify with some common signs of “problematic behaviours.” For example, in a social situation I am acutely aware how much everyone else is drinking. Therefore I assume they are acutely aware how much I am drinking. Sometimes I will have a drink before I hang out with a group because I’m afraid I won’t have “enough” when I am out, or else I’m afraid I’ll drink my first one too quickly and will have to wait for everyone else to order a second. Last night, despite being hungover, I had two drinks. Today, at lunch, I had three glasses of wine. Alone. In my living room. Today’s wine was almost an act of desperation. LIke I know I’m going to be making a change soon and I wanted to get it out of my system. (For the record: neither last night’s nor today’s instance was worth it.)
This morning, I had the whole beautiful day stretched out before me. I woke up, got a coffee, and read my book for a few hours, basking in the sunshine streaming through my windows and my today house. And then I started to feel restless and overwhelmed. I didn’t want to drink anything, truly, but I couldn’t seem to figure out what to do to quiet my brain and the thought of doing all the little necessary things on my to-do list seemed exhausting. When I had the few drinks, I felt mellow. But it also prevented me from doing other things: going for a walk outside, doing some grocery shopping, making lunches for the week, putting in a few loads of laundry. I simply got buzzed, then lay on the bed for a few hours listening to music. It wasn’t the worst, but it wasn’t how I wanted to spend my day.
Now I feel fuzzy-brained and regretful. Also, oddly, I want to know what it would feel like to have my first drink of the day later on this evening but I’ve already ruined that. I am thirsty and my mouth feels thick. I am guzzling club soda to try to “clear’ everything, if that makes sense. In fact I’m so uncomfortable, I can’t even deal with myself; I kind of want to keep having more wine so I don’t have to feel this way.
Perhaps people are thinking that I definitely have a problem and that I need to quit, full stop, now. And that would be fair. But I do truly want to give moderation a go. I feel strongly that I’m in this position out of habit; that my mind has become lazy, and that I’ve lost interest in other areas of my life and therefore drinking is “filling the gap.” This could be incredibly naive. I know you (and I) could argue that it’s the drink that’s caused the lack of interest, the laziness, not the other way around. But I don’t feel ready to give up wine and champagne and cocktails forever. I do feel ready to reduce my consumption considerably.
While I figure out what moderation means to me (and truly, I don’t know if I’m even capable of moderation, but that’s a whole other story), I think a great first step is to quit drinking for 30 days. Thirty days may not seem like a long time, but I don’t think I’ve gone that long without drinking since I started university 14 years ago. I may not have been drinking as much back then, but I never have gone a full month without.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I am going to go out for dinner with my husband and have champagne and wine with my meal. And the next day I am starting the 30 days. I am scared shitless. I am depressed about it. I wish I didn’t have to. But I know deep down that there will never be a good time, and I’d rather give up wine for one month rather than have to give it up for all the months.
In the next 30 days I have my husband’s birthday, Easter with my in-laws, a plane trip (I am a nervous flyer), a baby shower, and a wedding. Plus a possible drinks night for my own birthday, a book club meeting, a dinner out with a girlfriend, and regular Friday and Saturday nights that are usually made better by a couple of glasses of wine. This is not going to be easy. But I know it is the only way. I think it will be quite rough, and I’m glad I have this blog to help me through.